Joke of the day!

krh2

New Member
THE CONGRESSMAN & THE LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know chit?'
 

krh2

New Member
Todd was a salesman's delight when it came to buying any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day Todd came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that Todd claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked Todd.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy..
The robot walked around the table and slapped Dustin, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said Todd, "this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you really were after school.."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Dustin.
"What did you watch?" asked Todds wife.
" The Ten Commandments," answered Dustin.
The robot went around to Dustin and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Dustin got up, sat down and said, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called 'Debbie Does Dallas.' "
"I'm ashamed of you, son," said Todd. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to Todd and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Todds wife doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Dustin. After all, he is your son..."
Then the robot walked around to Todds wife and knocked her out of her chair.
 

BlackTigerSE

New Member
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,

clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,

'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been even higher.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says,

'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


(I love this part)



'Only when he's been drinking.
 

krh2

New Member
Tiger Woods hits a fire hydrant and a tree with his truck then passes out on a neighbor's lawn. Or as John Daly calls that, "Thursday night"

Just sayin........... :smt002:laugh:
 

BlackTigerSE

New Member
HISPANIC WORDS!! The teacher told pepito to make sentences with his
> spelling words:
>
> 1.*cheese*
> Maria likes me,but cheese fat.
> 2*mushroom*
> Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom
> 3*shoulder*
> My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder
> 4*texas*
> My friend always texas me fwds
> 5*herpes*
> Me and my friend shared a pizza,i got my piece and she got herpes
> 6*july*
> Ju told me ju were goin to the store,and july to me!!julyer!!
> 7*rectum*
> I had two cars but my wife rectum
> 8*chicken*
> I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself
> 9*wheelchair*
> We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair
> 10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing
> 11*liver*
> A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone
> 12*body wash*
> I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids
> 13*budweiser
> That woman over there has a nice body, budwieser her face so ugly?
> Send to everyone who needs a laugh!!
 

jckson

New Member
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”
 

krh2

New Member
BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
Belt in karate.

4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

BlackTigerSE

New Member
Never underestimate A Texas Redneck cowboy.

A Redneck from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a Bank in New York City and
asked for the loan
Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of
the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so the
Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the
street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked Out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as
Collateral for the loan and apologized for having To charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh At
the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral
for a $5,000 loan. An employee of The bank then drove the Ferrari into
the bank's Private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck Returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy To have had your
business, and this transaction has
Worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While You were
away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a
highly Sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with Real estate and
financial interests all Over the world. Your investments include a large
number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles Us is,
why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park
my car for Two weeks for only **$23.07** and expect it to be there When
I return?

His name was BUBBA....
 

carphreak

New Member
A couple was holding a dinner party for all the major status figures in their province. At the last minute, she realized she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she gave a bucket to her husband and asked him to run down to the beach to gather some snails.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, and ran to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They talked and she invited him back to her place. At her apartment, they started messing around. It got him exhausted afterwards that he passed out there.

At 7AM the next day, he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!” He put his clothes back on, grabbed the bucket, and ran out the door all the way to their house. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket. The snails were scattered all the way down the stairs. Just then the door opened, his very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’d been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, looked at her, then looked back at the snails, and said, “Come on, guys! We’re almost there!”
 

krh2

New Member
Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 

Albert

New Member
Here is the joke of the day...

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.... :D :D
 
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